Blog - #DiaryOfATiredBlackMan "Emotions"

Dear Diary,

After a recent stint of events its been brought to my attention that I'm an extremely emotional guy! Now I don't have a problem with it but I understand that as a male there is a strong expectation on the "machismo" that we show. When I think back as early as I can remember my sensitivity has always been there, I have a big heart and really feel pain for others.

I recall the first time I went Jamaica with my family I was probably around 8 years old we stayed in the country with our native family which was an experience in its own in terms of how they lived without the luxuries we're fortunate to have. On one particular me and my cousins were told that a goat was going to be killed for dinner and we could watch. My initial response was that of feigned exasperation, maybe I was going with the excitement of everyone else but not knowing what to expect I stood by distantly. It started with the kid (baby goat) being tied at the ankles then hung from a tree. What happened next I could not have been prepared for!

As my cousin began to slit the goat’s throat I heard a blood curdling scream. Amidst the cheers of my peers like "Chop Eee Arf” I briefly joined the chants before my conflicting real feelings took me over. Hearing the child like cries of the goat I burst into tears and a verbal tirade on everybody (laughing at me on this point). I remember vividly suggesting why don't they go to the shop and buy beans for something why do they have to murder a goat which they found so humorous. Not thinking much of it at the time but my next story is also animal based.

I was maybe 12 or so can't remember exactly when I remember walking home and seeing a dead cat in the road. It has been ran over blood was coming out its mouth, it looked rough. It was a definite gross thing to see. I remember I went home to my room and actually cried about it, it had me thinking of the pain it had been through as it brought tears to my eyes.

I'm highly emotional and feel the pain of others just as though it was mine, where some people would care not or overlook it. In life people make you out to think you’re weak for having a heart, or emasculate a man who shows emotions. But with that said I'm proud of the person that I am I'm open and wear my heart on my sleeve. I've learned my emotions can be easily triggered and they are always deep never shallow so I can find myself avoiding some things at risk of tearing up.

Love is one of my deepest emotions and like a true warlock I love violently! What does that mean you ask? No I’m not an abuser lol but I love with deep passion and intensity. I guess I can be the greatest lover, the best friend, or the worst nightmare. Sad, mad, glad, I’ve been through them all and they help equate to the person I am today. With that said the world keeps turning the pages thicken and another date to the diary is added.

- Fonz