Blog - #DiaryOfATiredBlackMan "Affairs Of The Heart"

Okay here we go groovemiesters,

Been a while since I've put together an open blog this one I'd like to call "Affairs Of The Heart". Now I'm sure a lot of you may know from my past blogs, poems, or songs even, that I'm a pretty deep and open hearted guy and a lot of the FACTS of my relationships can be found amongst them, but for those that don't know I'll go into a quick catch up.

As much as I hate the terrestrial term "ex" I haven't found or conjured up a suitable replacement term (any suggestions welcomed). See my problem with that term is it demeans the relationship you once had. Understandable in some cases but often down to miscommunication, lack of empathy, ego, fear etc you can become estranged from somebody you still care a lot about. Then down to whatever reason they are now classed as merely an "Ex". Well before I go off topic it does bode relevance as after an conversation with a friend of mine today, an issue was raised of them being in the middle of me and my "ex".

It was said, and I quote "I hate being in the middle, somehow I always end up here hearing out both sides". This struck me for a few reasons. A) We seldom talk about my past relationship as I'm the type of person that wouldn't like to put someone in that uncomfortable position. B) It also struck me was its such a shame me and my "ex" don't speak to each other, as maybe that would attain closure both ways because regardless what we say to others or what they think its something that occurred between us, the thoughts, feelings, the situation is ours alone. C) I devote myself to the veracity of what happened I wonder if she does the same.

Now in this relationship I'll admit at the beginning though I was interested I was a jerk in someways about it. The fears that I had which I never outright expressed led to me being short in some instances e.g. I was never reluctant to commit but my inhibitions on whether or not she was serious and how she would take to certain external factors, I failed to express to her which I should have. Far from being a hypocrite and acting as though I was perfect besides that and a no non-sense approach to other things I did what I could to make her happy, which she was.

Now the relationship blossomed and where I was looking forward to it continuing to grow on the foundations already set (Honesty, Friendship, Truth). It seemed something was rocking the boat, after a holiday away on her return it was WHAM, Gone, thank you FONZ! Much to my Chagrin. At first my response was "hey if that's what you want then have it your way". But it wasn't long (maybe a day lol) before I was wondering what the hell happened and how it could be fixed. I heard rumors of infidelity which was denounced. I heard the cliche "its not you it's me line". After all we had been through which seemed to be so easily forgot I was taken aback on how callous she could be. Was my good nature being mistook for a selfish exit strategy? A question that swirled through my head.

I decided that I would follow my heart, at the brink of losing something special its always that much more of a clincher on how much it means to you! I put my soldier gear on and I went to war. I went to bat for the love that burned deep inside me. We fought, we made up, we laughed, we cried, we shared more moments but it seemed it was a battle of wills. The one who would stick to there guns the most would ultimately WIN?! Now me being a person of logic if there was a plausible response for us not staying together I'd have walked, I even asked the important question of "If your life is worse with me in it, tell me now and I'll never bother you again".

Of course that wasn't said and the battle continued. I remember there was some money involved a little under a grand I didn't even want that to be between us so I write it off. But it seemed no matter how much work I put in, how real I was, how honest it wasn't enough. somewhere there was a feeling she had that I was trying to buy her or she couldn't pay back the stuff I'd given her. I tried to express the value of a GIFT not being the price-tag but the value behind it. I expressed that it all meant nothing she meant more to me than material possessions, but she just didn't get it. I remember having a conversation with one of her cousins where I asked "What shall I do? I don't want her to feel I'm pushing her and have her grow to resent me" she recommended that I fade away, so I did.......

I still think about her and I don't think she meant anything personal in how she acted but I guess through pain comes strength! move on they say, you'll meet someone else, hmmm as the world turns another page is added to the diary and it thickens! Only this page is an Affair of the Heart.

- Fonz